Vertical Beer Mile 2011

The VBM start line

When you mix a rugby playing background with a hill running present, it would appear that you end up with a vertical beer mile champion. That's right folks, Sir Clark came back to The Hill and proved once again that he can outdrink, outrun and outplay any and all challengers, and we had 22 of them this year.

Dakota Jones may claim some obscure record in the Grand Canyon or a top finish and a bunch of coin from some corporate race out in the wilds of Marin County, but put him on the purest of big stages - one mile, 750 feet of vertical gain and 48 oz of froth - and the kid clearly needs some tutoring. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The sound of the gun had barely finished echoing around the valley floor before I was off and running, Banquet Beer no.1 still finding its way down the pipes. Poof, gone, nobody in front, just footsteps and some loud eruptions behind. Horsecow Lonac was along for the ride, and by beer aid one it looked like it was going to be a two horse race, with Pete and Alex the only other competitors working their second beer as Horsecow and I took off for the second quarter in search of our third beer.

Horsecow looked like he wanted to make a race of it, and we hit beer three together, both taking a few seconds to get our breathing under control before hitting the froth. Again, I was a second or two quicker on the guzzle, even managing to pull away slightly on the flatter section of the third quarter before rescinding the lead on the steep stuff as we drew close to the final beer station. But I was just catching my breath. Guzzling beers while hyperventilating is best avoided if you want to keep the chunks at bay.

Leaving beer aid three, I had sensed some Horsecow hesitation - maybe even some pain. As we rolled into the final beer stop, the Horsecow banter sounded very much like the flapping of a white flag. Time to twist the knife. My beer was finished before Horsecow had even blown the froth off his beer. The last quarter ended up a victory lap. I hit the tape in 12 minutes and 15 seconds for a six minute PR and CR.

Pulling up the hill I couldn't help but reflect on an awesome season. And the thought came to me that maybe if I could find a way to sell this amazing victory to the ulrarunning world, they might just reconsider propelling me into ultrarunning immortality by lobbying the UROY voters - through the iRunFar discussion forum - to Vote For Nick. I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn, but this VBM defense in course record fashion is huge...HUGE...so come on America, let's make it happen. I've done my part.

Not to get too caught up in the immensity of yesterday's happenings from my own glorious standpoint, I would like to bring attention to the arguably more exciting happenings in the women's race.

Finish line officials: Kristel and Victoria.

Readers of this blog may not be familiar with the name Celeste O'Slusher, but in Fort Collins running and drinking circles the feisty Irish Bostonian is legendary. And lining up at the bottom of the hill, the defending champion was the heavy favorite for the VBM tiara.

But there had been some murmurings from the pack. Another Clark (mispelled with an 'e') had been quietly talking up her drinking powers, while the diminutive Jessie W, a relative newcomer to the Fort Collins trail scene, had been warning anyone who would listen to not underestimate her magical beer consumption prowess. I mean the girl has spent time living and drinking in Hoboken, NJ.

Mindy, Jessie and Lindsay putting away their start line beers.

And so we waited with baited breath and gaseous stomachs at the finish line for lights to emerge.

Would Celeste make the overall podium again?

No, the karmasutra-like grunts coming around the corner were unmistakably Stevensonian. Pete had managed to keep his lunch intact this year for an impressive third-place finish. He was followed a minute later by Mr. Consistency himself, and last year's runner up, Alex May. Seabeck powered across the line another minute in arrears for fifth, and then the excitement hit fever pitch.

Another light, a female form, and...wait...an upset. Mindy came cruising through to pull off an awesome Clark(e) VBM sweep, setting a new female course record in the process. In the close-fought battle for second, Jessie managed to outrun Celeste over the final quarter edging her out of silver by a scant nine seconds. Exciting stuff folks.

The Clark(e) sweep

Silver

The pain and the glory. Celeste gives up the tiara.

What happened to Young Money Jones you ask? Not his day, and clearly not his discipline, but unlike his youthful compatriot, Slow Aaron Marks, he did keep his lunch down. Aaron, in a post-race interview, claimed he was merely exacting some revenge after a year of frustration.

"Towers tortures me every week, so this was my chance to puke all over it."

Tough night for Jones.

"And then I drank another beer..."

Your 2011 VBM results:

Nick: 12:15!
Horsecow: 13:00
Pete: 14:56
Alex: 16:11
Dave: 17:32
Mindy: 17:50!
Jessie: 19:01
Celeste: 19:10
Jesse: 19:30
Kyle: 19:49
Mike: 21:05
Dakota: 21:22
SAM: 28:08
Slush: 31:05
Lindsay: 31:05
Sam: 31:06

Sam may have the Towers FKT, but not when there's beer involved. Last place today, bud.

Relay

Ginny & Jenn: 19:26
Chris & Steph: 22:08
Mary & Marie: 23:28

Marie showing off the little finger technique, a common trait among French beer drinkers.

Beer Mile Wrap

Picked up my Frozen Vertical Beer Mile trophy this evening at the bi-weekly Trail Runners' social, and it has since been awarded pride of place on the mantel.

Get training for next year 'cos Big Daddy ain't giving this puppy up easy!

Official results:

Nick - 18:25! (Big Daddy)
Alex - 19:50
Celeste - 27:28! (Mountain Cat)
Brian - 29:40
Scott - 29:41
Relay - 34:00
Pete - 29:10 (with a penalty quarter for blowing chunks, and while Pete's time looks suspiciously faster than Brian and Scott's, the ruling on the field (of last place) still stands.)

Freakin' (Vertical) Beer Mile, Dude!

Yesterday was the 20th Towers session of the year, so to cap of a great season on the hill, we set out to conquer the infamous beer mile. Traditionally done on a track, we figured it would be much more exciting and generally more hardcore if we did it on the Fort Collins Trail Runners' track: The Big Hill.

Pete's nutrition plan hangs from his neck.

The route went from the Nomad intersection to the Loggers intersection, which according to various GPS devices is exactly, or just a touch over a mile with 700 feet of vertical climb. To add to the general epicness of the event, we received our first real snow dump of the year in the 24 hours prior, and it was still coming down as the silliness got underway, oh and the thermometers were reading a chilly 10 degrees.

The Beer Mile Start

There were three race divisions among the 10 assembled runners: men, women, relay. Competing in the boys' race were myself, Pete (who had been playing up his drinking prowess for weeks), Alex, Slusher, and Bryan; in the girls' race Celeste, being the only entrant appeared to be the odds on favorite; while in the relay, the remaining girls (Marie Helene, Mary, Ean and Jennifer) would run the course together taking turns on the beer-consumption aspect of the race.

Beers were placed at quarter mile intervals up the hill, and a finish line was marked off in the snow at the Loggers signpost. At the top, Pete described the quarter mile penalty lap (a further quarter mile of running up the hill) that would be mandatory for anyone who blew chunks.

From the gun, Pete managed to live up to his pre-race talk by getting his first beer down a good ten seconds before Alex and I. By the quarter mile mark, I had pulled within five seconds of Pete, who appeared to be in a spot of early trouble. Despite some thunderous belches, I was finding that the beers were going down well, and that the running-with-a-gut-full-of-beer part was actually not too bad. I out-drank Pete by a landslide on beer number two, and headed out for the halfway point with a clear lead.

Official photographer, Mindy, was manning the third aid station (with perhaps the brightest headlight known to man), and she had an appetizing line-up of beers on offer. I was probably halfway done with my penultimate beer by the time the second bead of light appeared on the scene. To mine and Mindy's surprise, it was Alex, not Pete, followed soon after by Slusher. There was chatter of rainbow arcs and snow tigers at the second aid: Pete was clearly in trouble.

With the third beer down and a big lead, it was just a question of keeping the frothy mess down during the big half-mile climb to the finish. Ean was at the final beer station, camera in hand, and let me tell you that last beer was a true pleasure. As I was finishing up my 48th ounze of frothy Coors nastiness, Alex pulled in with what looked like a commanding lock on second.

Look at that form!

Alex nears the finish line

Belching all the way, I crossed the Loggers finish line with my lunch intact in a standard-setting 18:25. Alex crossed in 19:50, breaking the 20 minute mark comfortably. Third overall, in perhaps the most impressive performance of the night, was Celeste who had posted a strong back half to overtake her husband Slusher between beer three and four.

Performance of the night. Celeste outruns, outdrinks and outplays her husband.

Bryan in fourth

Slush in fifth

Indeed Slusher ended up being edged out by Bryan for fourth in an exciting slow-motion sprint for the finish. The relay team posted an impressive sixth-place finish and then we all hung around at the top waiting for Pete to finish off his penalty quarter and claim his wooden spoon.

Just the one beer for Jennifer!

If you're going to make one Towers appearance the whole year, I guess you should make it this one. Marie runs a strong leg for the relay team.

Alex and Ean

The descent on the cushy carpet of snow, in a semi-inebriated state was quite the ride, and more than a few spills were taken by most.

Back at Soderberg safe and sound.